I have loved the work I’ve been doing with my Integrated Body Worker, but at this last visit, he was 40 minutes late and also informed me (ever so gently) that he would need to move our appointments an hour later in the future. He asked if that was “alright” and I said, “Yes”. I said, “Yes” but my internal answer was, “No”.
I did not want this later appointment. I had had everything so well timed out with our original appointment time. I had it worked out with my job and my home life.
This was not going to work for me, and I knew it to the core. But, I did not want to disappoint him and I have spent the better part of my life bending to the needs of others.
I had a variety of dreams last night about being walked on and woke knowing that I needed to cancel all the upcoming appointments. Knowing that if I didn’t, I would bind myself into knots and dread the appointment each week, bodily undoing the untangling he would do at each appointment.
Why do I still have such trouble advocating for myself? Why do I care so damn much about not hurting others? Why am I willing to hurt myself? Honestly, I thought I had come farther and the admittance to myself that I am still “doing it” angers me.
This morning, I canceled all my appointments via email. I was concerned that if I did it over the phone, I would let myself be talked into something I did not want. So, I suppose the canceling is progress-perhaps the method by which I am doing it could be viewed as cowardly.
I think I am going to take a break from working with others to help me. I admit that I went on a search this morning for a new “Body Worker”…but I do not want to be disappointed yet again.
Maybe the work I did this morning, canceling the appointments, was all the Body Work I needed for now.